“To trifle with hearts is a crime of no small magnitude in the sight of a holy God.” {AH. 57.1}
Now we have all heard the expression, why buy the cow if you are getting the milk for free? And usually whenever this statement is made it’s referring to “milk” as sex, the question being why would a man commit if he is already receiving the benefits of a commitment.
What I’ve since come to realise is that Christian girls are finding themselves in the same type of situation, where the “milk” is not sex, but rather the “milk” is emotional intimacy. This is the tricky place where most guys and girls find themselves, a place of more than a friend but less than a girlfriend, we will call this a friendlationship.
So how do people, mostly girls find themselves in a friendlationship? It seems like most of these relationships start out innocently enough —developing a friendship with someone of the opposite sex. Maybe there’s an initial attraction, or maybe the attraction grows along with the friendship. But there comes a point where it starts to resemble a dating relationship.
There are a lot of late night long conversations, lots of visits and “outings”, sharing of intimate things, stuff that you feel only you should know. It begins to resemble a relationship because he does all these things with you and seemingly no one else. It’s very “between the two of you”, and you as the girl start to feel special and naturally, your heart and emotions have followed and now you have caught feelings.
“Being single can be difficult enough for women, but the heartbreak from being “led on” by a man can dangerously lead to needless pain. Some women are so emotionally scarred from falling into such a ditch that it literally takes them years to recover and rediscover the capacity to trust any male in their lives.”
Many guys are “just friends” with single, young women who believe the relationship might actually be going somewhere. At best, they are unwittingly part of a relationship that deceptively looks like a good deal for both parties. At worst, they are wilfully blind to the ways they feed a relationship that largely just benefits them.
Since many guys are not aware of the way their actions can cause women to fall into the trap of a friendlationship single women need to be aware of common situations where a guy might lead them on. There are so many cases, where our hearts as women are broken because we allow our emotions to run ahead of commitments. For example, you are working with a guy on a project or in ministry together. Because the guy is trying to help you grow spiritually you confuse his care and interest with romantic intentions and in your mind, you can already see signs of matrimony.
As women, we need to assume less. A woman should not assume that a guy friend she’s spending time with is just too shy to make a move, thinking she’s the woman of his dreams but the timing isn’t right or in denial of God’s will that they be together. A woman loves to read into a guy’s every action. That’s her relational crime. But the guy does her a disservice by allowing her to be his “buddy girl” — a female friend who provides the relational benefits without the commitment.
As women, it is easy for us to act as “surrogate wives or mothers” to guys we think may be interested in us. For example, you will find single women who go at lengths to wash the guys clothes, cook for him and clean his apartment, but haven’t even been on the first date with him. Or simply because the guy has been kind and caring to her. Yet still, the guy hasn’t even said how he feels towards her.
What women do not realise is that doing good deeds for a man does not win his love. Why? most of the time, he is used to a woman waiting on him. Remember good ol’ mom? At the end of the day after months of washing his clothes, cleaning his house, and playing house with him, in most cases the guy will go and marry somebody else and the woman is left holding her heart in her hands. Single men and women are failing each other.
Uncommitted intimate friendships may satiate immediate needs,
but they lead to frustration and heartache and a waste of time and energy.
Word of advice for any guys reading this post is that if you’re really interested in your friendgirl, then pursue her. Stop halfway dating her, start opening her door and clearly define the relationship for what it is. If things work out between the two of you, great. But if you’re not ready to pursue your friendgirl — after all this time — then kindly tell her you don’t see the relationship going beyond friendship and apologize if you’ve done anything to give that impression.
To the degree you’ve been more emotionally intimate with her, she will rightfully feel more betrayed and misled by you. And at that point, the relationship will probably fall apart, and both of you will move on instead of spending years in an ambiguous, non-starter relationship.
When the quasi-friendship ends, as these kinds of relationships usually do, it will be painful, heartbreaking stuff — you know, it may just feel like the worst break up ever!
Moving forward…..
Men and women, who find themselves in a dead-end friendship, should take responsibility. A woman is responsible to be wise with her heart. Solomon said, “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life” (Proverbs 4:23).
If a woman feels her heart longing for a man who’s not pursuing her, indulging those feelings is unwise. Day-dreaming about the day this guy will tell you just how he feels about you can leave you an emotional wreck. You must talk to Jesus and tell Him exactly how you feel about this particular guy and ask Him to protect your heart until the right guy comes along.
Now, ladies, you could ignore this advice and continue unofficially dating your male friend. But before you do that, let me make one more plea. Wait on the Lord, do not rush ahead of God. It is not God’s will for you to have your heart constantly stirred and broken. Remember the words of Song of Solomon
“I charge you, O daughters of Jerusalem,
that you not stir up or awaken love until it pleases” (Song of Solomon 8:4).
Sara says
This post has clarified a whole lot of what was going wrong. Thank you very much. It just hit straight home. Defining what a relationship is or confronting someone when you feel there is need to define your relationship is a sign of maturity, is what I have picked from here. It is not being bossy, or presumptuous but it means you do not want to waste your time on something that is one sided. It goes both ways though, us women also have the tendency of having male friends that are not just friends but not boyfriends either. I have made the decision to wait, be a Proverbs 4 vs 23 type of Woman
Hope says
Wow what a beautiful piece. Very profound hits straight home. An eye opener am glad to have come across it whoa God is amazing!!!!!!!! Guarding my heart has been something pressing a few days ago, and I can truly relate to the text. But now I have learnt I want to focus on the important things and stop making my emotions lead.
Toya says
Once again what another beautiful post. I wholeheartedly agree. I am slowly but surely getting over a gentlemen who I thought was interested in me. We spent so much time together. He was in a difficult situation and I helped him out as much as I was able. I grew up without my dad being around so any male attention I received was a blessing to me. I noticed character traits that I did and did not like in this guy. To me the good outweighted the bad. Since growing up without being daddy’s little girl I would always chase after guys to get them to be with me. I was afraid to do it this time around because it only failed me once. To make a long story short I pray for this guy and now I am learning how to be single and satisfied in Christ.
Miriam Tereck says
Hie Toya! So glad you found this blog post uplifting. Thank you for sharing your experience and l am glad that you are learning to be single and satisfied in Christ. God Heals. He restores. He is faithful and He will bring you somebody that He knows deserves your heart if you trust Him. Keep your eyes focused on Jesus:)
Lydia says
What wonderful words of counsel!